Jerry Springer: Too Hot For TV Part 1
By TS
The normal Jerry Springer show intro music and crap plays, and after the
cheering audience calms down a bit, the camera zooms in on Jerry.
Jerry Springer: Hello everybody! This is s special, Too Hot For TV, video
cassete/DVD/ MPEG/ LaserDisc/ Real-video only, episode of Jerry Springer! Which
means no blurring of nudity!
Crowd: YEAH!!!!
Jerry Springer: All right! Now before we get started, I'd like to introduce
our new head of security around here. Now as you might recall, our first
security guard, Steve, was brutally murdered the last time we had Capcom/SNK
personalities on the show. He was replaced six minutes afterward by Birdie. But
Birdie soon quit, so he could retire with his women and...uh...take care of
business.
Anyway, with the help of Doctor I. B. Wily, we've been able to bring Steve
back to life! Sort of... Let's welcome Cyber-Steve!!
Crowd: *cheers*
Steve floats down from the ceiling, with a pair metallic archangel wings
attached to his back, half of his face covered in metal, with one eye ominously
glowing red, and a metal (surprise) arm, with a rocket launcher attached. If
you've ever seen Cyber-Akuma/Mech-Gouki, from Marvel Super Heroes vs Street
Fighter, then you know basically what he looks like. Steve lands, then kneels
in the general direction of the stage.
Cyber-Steve: ...
Jerry Springer: ...
Cyber-Steve: ...
Everyone else: ...
Cyber-Steve:...................................................loading.......................................
Jerry Springer: Uh...okay... Anyhow, let's bring out our first guest. Now he
has a big secret he wants to tell his girlfriend, Yuri.
Crowd: Ooooh!
Jerry Springer: Everybody, please welcome, Zangief!
Crowd: *cheers*
Zangief walks out onto the stage, in his new Street Fighter black underwear
and boots ensemble, with a long black cape, for that trendy, "I could be a
flasher" look.
Zangief: Flesh! Bone! Viscera! My perfect body of steel cannot be damaged! I
am the Red Cyclone! Haha!
Jerry Springer: ...Uh......yeah. Anyway, you have a surprise for your
girlfriend?
Zangief: Da Jerry. Big surprise. Almost as big as me! Hahhahhah!
Jerry Springer: Yeah...let's bring out Zangief's girlfriend, Yuri Sakazaki!
Yuri Sakazaki, from the King of Fighter's games (KOF), cheerfully skips out
onto the stage, and sits down.
Yuri: *waves to the audience* Hi everybody!
Crowd: Hi!! *cheers, hoots, hollers, and whistles*
Yuri: Hi!!! So what's up Zangy?
Zangief: Da. Hi Yuri. I am really a woman.
Crowd: Ooooohhh!!!!!!!
Yuri: *Yuri's jaw drops* Wha...what do you mean!?
Zangief: I was born as a woman. And I still am. Look...
Zangief whips off his cape, pulls his Speedo down to his knees, and
flashes the studio audience. The camera doesn't miss this, and you get a clear,
unblurred shot of Zan's shorthairs, and his genitalia. But then again, that's
what you get for watching Jerry Springer...
Crowd: Whoooo!!!!
Yuri: *in shock* But that...that's impossible! I mean we....I felt
your...um...thingy!
Crowd: Oooh!
Yuri: Sorry for the foul language...
Zangief: That wasn't me. I went to this store with my lover, and they had
all of these fake peni...
Yuri: Your what? Did you say "lover!!?"
Jerry: Yes, Zangief is speaking about his boyfriend, Darun.
Crowd: Oooh!
Jerry Springer: Yes. Unfortunately, Darun couldn't come to the show, since
he was tied up in a march in San Francisco...
Yuri: *shakes her head in disbelief* I can't believe this...Ohmygosh! Does
this mean I'm a lesbian? Gross! *Yuri begins to weep.*
Zangief: What's wrong?
Yuri: *looking all shocked and angry* "What's wrong?" You have the
NERVE *at this point, Yuri's eyes begin to glow a surprisingly ominous shade of
pink* to ask me "what's wrong?" You're a woman! THAT'S what's wrong!
We're not talking about overdue library books here, you're a chick! And even
worse, I think I'm gay or something now! I hate you!
Zangief: Hahaha. Don't worry my little bread loaf, once you get a taste of
this hairy Russian *****, *Zangief grabs her own crotch* you won't care what my
groin looks like!! Haha! Now come here and give me some lovin'!
Crowd: Oooh!!!!
Yuri: You jerk! HaohShouKouken!
Yuri hits Zangief with a big, spiky, pink fireball, burning off all of
his chest-hair, and knocking him off-stage.
Crowd: Whhoooohoo!! Yeah!
Jerry: Okay. Now as the stagehands clear the, uh....stage, and lead Yuri
backstage to the psychological counseling center, I'll introduce our next
guests. All right, let's give a hand for Felicia!
Crowd: Yeah! *applauds*
Felicia, from the DarkStalkers games, walks out onto the stage.
Crowd: Whooooohooooo!! Yeah!! YEEEAAAAHH!!!
Felicia: *sits down* Hi Jerry! *waves*
Jerry Springer: Hello Felicia. Now why are you here?
Felicia: Oh...you don't know?
Jerry Springer: Yeah, I know, but I want you to tell the audience.
Felicia: Oh! Sorry...*simultaneously frowns, puckers, and gives a
come-hither look*
Jerry Springer: That's all right.
Felicia: ...
Crowd: ...
Jerry Springer: ...
Felicia: ... Oh! Yeah. Anyway, I'm here because I've been cheating on my boyfriend
with my ex.
Crowd: Ooooooh!
Jerry Springer: Now, why is it that you are cheating on your boyfriend?
Felicia: *shrugs shoulders* I dunno...it just sorta happened. And besides,
my ex is an ANIMAL in bed!
Jerry: And your current boyfriend, isn't?
Felicia: No, it's not that way at all! They're both great!! Plus my ex went
down on me in a movie theater once, and you just gotta give some points for
that.... Anyway, it's just that, you can only be with one person for so long,
you know what I mean?
Jerry Springer: Uh...sure. Anyway, let's bring out Felicia's boyfriend,
Blanka!!
Crowd: Yeaaaah!!
Blanka rolls out onto the stage and sits down next to Felicia.
Blanka: Oooh! (Hello everybody!)
Felicia: Hey honey!
Blanka: Uwon Ooh! Ooh? (Hi! So what's up honey?)
Felicia: Uh...I don't quite know how to say this...
Blanka: Uwo hoo? Whoo uwon woooo... (What is it? You know you can tell me
anything.)
Crowd: Aw...
Felicia: Well, I sorta...kind of...f****d someone else....sorry...
Crowd: Ooooooooh!!!
Blanka: Oooh... (Oh...I see....)
Crowd: Awww.....
Felicia: I'm SO sorry! I swear it will never happen again!
Crowd: ...
Felicia: ...outside of next week. But after that, it's over! I promise!
Jerry Springer: All right, let's bring out Felicia's ex, Cham Cham!
Cham Cham, from Samurai Showdown 2, dashes out onto the stage and shoves her
tongue down Felicia's throat.
Crowd: YEAH! YEEEEEEAAAAAAAHH!!!!!!!!!!! *begins chanting* Jerry! Jerry!
Jerry!
Jerry Springer: What?
Crowd: ...
Cham Cham sits down next to Felicia
Blanka: Uwoah woo oh....? (Interesting...why did you sleep with her?)
Felicia: *shrugs shoulders* I dunno...it just sorta happened. Are...are you
mad?
Jerry Springer: ...
Crowd: ...
Felicia: ...
Cham Cham: ...
Blanka: ...On. Uwaoh won ooh ah (....no, not really. I am a little angry
that you hid it from me though...)
Crowd: ...
Cham Cham: *begins licking herself*
Felicia: Why? I mean, that's good, but I thought you might be a little
hurt...
Blanka: *shakes his head* Ooh. (No no, why would I be? I mean, we're not
humans! The already debatable decision of whether to take a single mate for
life is not forced upon us. And besides...you had sex with another woman!
That's cool!!)
Cham Cham: Mm. (Uh huh!)
Felicia: So...you're not mad?
Blanka: Oowa! (No!)
Felicia: Great! And everything is still cool between the two of us, right
Cham Cham?
Cham Cham: Uh huh. (Yup.) *continues to lick herself*
Blanka, Felicia, and Cham Cham all look at each other
Felicia: So...
Cham Cham: Eh? (You guys...?)
Blanka: Heh? (...thinking what I'm thinking?)
Crowd: *wonders what the hell Blanka has been saying...* ?
All 3 of the guests grin at each other for a little while, before preceding
to hop all over each other and get IT on.
Blanka: Uwhoooooooooo!! (Uwhoooooooooo!!)
Crowd: Yeeeaaaaaaaah!!!
A spurt of random bodily fluids flies from the stage, in Cyber-Steve's
direction.
Cyber-Steve: ...best course of action: dodge.
Cyber-Steve dodges the...whatever it was...
Cyber-Steve: Objective: successful. Premature oxidation (rusting)
avoided......loading.......
The stagehands (dressed in riot-gear) break out one of those big fire-truck
hoses, and blast Felicia, Blanka, and Cham Cham offstage.
Jerry Springer: All right, we've got a special surprise for the studio
audience...
Crowd: Oooh!
Jerry Springer: Please welcome...
Off-camera guy: *makes some honking noises like Charlie Brown's teacher*
Jerry Springer: What? What do you mean they're not ready?
Off-camera guy: *makes some more honking noises*
Jerry Springer: D***! I never should have given them porno channels in their
dressing rooms... All righty then. Hey sorry guys, we had scheduled a band to
perform, but they won't be coming out for a while...
Crowd: Aw...
Jerry Springer: ...so I'll just bring out our next guests!
Crowd: Yay!
Jerry Springer: All right, our next guest is a demon, from the foulest pits
of h***, but currently living on earth. He's here to complain about his
roommate. Everyone give a warm round of applause for evil incarnate, Akuma!
Crowd: Booo!!!
Akuma walks out onto the stage.
Audience member #1 (Andy Bogard): You suck dude!
Akuma: Hmph. *tosses a fireball at Andy*
Audience member #1: Ahhh! I'm hit! *passes out like a little sissy*
Akuma: *frowns in disgust*
Jerry Springer: So Akuma, you have a problem with your roommate?
Akuma: Yes, I am, round-eye.
Jerry Springer: Okay. And by the way, I would appreciate it if you called me
"Jerry."
Akuma: Quiet Round-eye!!
Jerry Springer: Yes sir.
Akuma: Good. So my roommate, Gen, he.....he....
Crowd: ...
Jerry Springer: ...
Akuma: ...he refuses to wear clothes...
Crowd: Whooooo!!!!
Jerry Springer: Oh...well yes, I can see how that would be a problem.
Akuma: Yes, our couch always smells funny....
Crowd: Whooo!!!
Akuma: Silence!
Crowd: ...
Jerry Springer: ...uh, all right, let's bring out Akuma's roommate, Gen!
Gen Steps out onto the stage, all hairless and naked, except for his beard,
and a pair of sandals
Crowd: Whoo hooo!!!!
Akuma: Blech. *crosses his arms, and looks away from Gen in disgust*
Gen: Ho ho ho! Hi everybody! How you guys like my new navel ring? Cool eh?
Crowd: Yeah!
Akuma: *shudders*
Jerry Springer: Okay. So Gen...
Gen: Hey Jerry!
Jerry Springer: Uh...hello. Now...
Gen: Hey! I watch your show all the time! My grandsons have favorite
episode! It's that one where that fat black lesbian man sodomize the cow!
Remember that one?!
Jerry Springer: Uh...yeah. Sure. Anyway...
Gen: That's good.
Jerry Springer: Okay. So why is it that you refuse to wear clothes?
Akuma: Because he's a dirty old pervert...
Gen: No, old sexless devil, and you too Akuma... Heh heh. Just kidding
Jerry. Anyway, it is because I must be free and easy, like the mighty lion.
With my genitals swinging back and forth in a similar fashion when I walk.
Observe....
Gen struts around, and swings his "junk" around as he walks, right
in front of Akuma.
Crowd: Yeah! *cheers*
Akuma's face twists from a look of pure disgust, into a mixture of
repulsion, intense disgust, abhorrence, shock, horror, and rage.
Akuma: What the f***? *balls up his fists*
Gen: *sits down* Oh relax! Quit being such a wiener!
Akuma: You would know about wieners...and wrinkly old ones at that.... *shudders*
Gen: For those words...
Jerry Springer: ...
Crowd: ...
Akuma: Humph...
Gen: ...you die!
Crowd: ...
Jerry Springer: ...
Akuma: ...?
Gen: ...Now!!
Akuma and Gen begin to fight. But after a while, Cyber-Steve's motion
detectors, or whatever, come online, and he realizes what's going on...
Cyber-Steve: ...loading....complete. *turns toward Akuma and Gen* Situation:
guests fighting on stage. Best course of action: stop the fight.
Intercepting...
Gen and Akuma continue fighting, as the crowd stands up and hoots and
hollers like a bunch of drunken redneck sailors at a Garth Brooks concert/wet
T-shirt contest.
Cyber-Steve: Cease the hostilities towards each other. You have sixty
seconds to comply...
Akuma: ? What is this Iron round-eye doing here? Humph. Just like the
Chinese to call in their friends when they can't handle something
themselves....coward!
Crowd: Oooh!!
Gen: Wha...what!?! What did you just say?!
Akuma: You heard me! What are you going to do about it, sick old man?
Cyber-Steve: Cease the hostilities toward each other immediately. You have
forty-five seconds to comply....
Gen: You little upstart punk! At least China still has it's dignity! It's
better to be where we are, then to be America's w****!
Crowd: Oooooh!!
Akuma: What!? How dare you say such things about Nippon!?! And you're just
pissed because America beat you in soccer!
Gen: Oh yeah!? Well at least we treat our women like human beings!
Akuma: Well it's easy for you! All of your women all look like men anyway!
Crowd: Ooooh!!
Audience member #2 (Chun Li): What!!!?
Audience member #3 (Mai Shiranuai): *chuckles*
Akuma: You heard me!
Cyber-Steve: Warning time elapsed. Initializing battle mode...
While Akuma and Gen continue to bicker on stage...
Gen: Oh yeah?!
Akuma: Yeah!!
Gen: Oh yeah?!!!
Akuma: Yeah!!!!
Gen: Why I oughta...!!!
Akuma: You'd better not!! Why you oughta what? What're ya gonna do? Love me
long time? Muwahahahaaa!!
...Cyber-Steve charges up...
Gen: What?! I'd challenge you to a fight, if I didn't think you'd trip over
your huge feet!
Akuma: What?
Gen: The Japanese all have huge, ugly feet! It's true! Which is amazing,
because I hear most of them have such small...
Akuma: WHAT?! That's it! Prepare yourself for an excruciating death!
Cyber-Steve: Initiating....Mega High Steve Beam!!!
Gen and Akuma turn around in time to see a bright, fiery, orange light
making it's way toward them...
Akuma & Gen: What the f...
Gen and Akuma are blasted offstage by the laser fired by Cyber-Steve
Crowd: Yeah!