Hip-hop Superheroes vs Street Fighter!
By Ken

The time: Three p.m. The place: Bad Boy Records. Ken Masters has worked out a record deal with hip-hop mogul Puff Daddy...

Ken: Alright, Puffy. I'm ready to work.

Puff: Good. Now lemme' see, where is that... ( Puffy fumbles around in his drawer, pulling out random things.) Gun, book on how to lie, cheat and decieve, rusty blade, condoms, K-Y jelly, prostitute phone numbers...AH! here it is!

Ken: ... Um, can I see my contract again... (A bullet crashes through Puff's window.)

Puffy: Don't worry about the gunshots, just a little turf war goin' on... (Takes his gun, and walks to the window and fires off three shots. A scream is heard from across the building.)

Puff: DIRECT hit.

Ken: My contract?

Puff: Chill out, dude. We do MY things first. Now, I need you to sign these EXTRA papers...

Ken: (Eyes the papers suspiciously) What are they for? (Here's a slight bump from Puffy's side of the bargaining table.)

Puff: Nothing much. It just says I own you as long as you work for Bad Boy Records, I'm not responsible if you get killed by a rival gang or company, and also if you contract AIDS from one of my many fine ho's, et cetera, et cetera...

Ken: Wha?... I ain't signing that, Puff. (Ken hears a bump from under the table. He looks under, and sees Jennifer Lopez giving P-Diddy a BJ.) Whoa! I thought this was a recording studio, not the Fox 5 show, Action! WHAT kind of ship do you RUN here?

Jennifer Lopez: Was it good for you, Puffy my sweet?

Puff: Yeah, yeah, grade A. (Pushing away Jennifer Lopez) Now shoo, b****! I'm doing business! Now what were you sayin, Ken my man?

Ken: I'm outta' here! I don't like the way this business runs. I wanted to work with you and Ma$e, but from what I've seen... Guns, and Postitutes, and ...

Puff: Don't forget the gangs! It's the business, bay-bee! It's what I'm about!

Ken: But it's not what I'M about. I'm so outta' here. (Ken gets up, and heads for the door. Puffy ain't tryin to hear it.)

Puff: (Angry) Get back here, Ken! Don't walk out on me, foo'! I'll break you like I did Steve Stoute! GUARDS!!!

(Guards block the exit to the door. Ken notices they are both brandishing billy-clubs)

Guard 1: You ain't goin' nowhere, Vanilla Ice!

Ken: NOW THAT'S GOIN' TOO FAR!

(Ken dragon punches a guard into the nearby wall. Another guard rushes Ken. Ken easily tosses the lug onto his back with a shoulder-toss.)

Puff: That does it! It's time to show you what Puff Daddy is ALL ABOUT!"

(Puff rips off his Avirex bomber jacket, revealing a white Sean John shirt. He takes off his hat, and platinum jewelry)

Puff: You done done it now, Ken!

Ken: Oh, please! What are you gonna' do, sample me like you do with every song you make?

Puff: AN insult? THAT'S IT. TATSU-PUFFY-SENPU-KYAKU!!

(Puffy does a spinning hiurricane kick, smashing Ken in the chest.)

Ken: Holy...

Puff: Don't say the lord's name in vain, punk! PUFFY-HADOKEN!

Ken: (dodging) Damn! Hadoken!

(Puff is hit directly in the chest)

Puff: My million-dollar hairless chest! I'll fix you! IKUZO...PUFFRYUKEN!!

(Puffy misses completly, and Ken hurricane kicks him into his knocked-out thugs.)

Puff: OOF! (hits one of his thugs) Get up! D-Dot, Masher, get that Kid Rock reject!

(The thugs regain conciousness, and charge at Ken with renewed energy. Ken kicks one in the face, but is tackled Goldberg-like by the second thug.)

Puff: Now...How about signing those forms?

Ken: Never! I don't EVER want to be some Bad Boy clown, copying off of all the great hits of the past while YOU take all the credit for it!!!

Puff: Fine then. D-Dot?

Guard 1: Yea, boss?

Puff: BREAK him. (D-Dot carries Ken to a nearby window, ten storeys up. Ken struggles, but can't get out of the meathead's grip.)

Ken (thinking) This mook is...urgh...as strong as Birdie! (the thugs lift Ken up, and just as they are about to hoist him out the window, Puffy's doors burst open!)

Puff: (groaning) Oh, no. It's...it's them!!!

Ken: KIYAH! (breaks out of the lackeys grip by smashing their peanut-heads together.)

Puff: I should've known you three were gonna' show...(Jay-Z, Eminem, and DMX show up, all wearing " The Matrix"-type gear.

Jay-Z: You're about to face a hard knock life, Puff. Release Ken from your hideous contract!

Puff: NEVER!!!

DMX: DON'T make me get my dogs!

Puff: I ain't scared of you, or your puppies, PMS! You should know who runs the show by now, CAN'T NOBODY HOLD ME DOWN!!! (Puffy presses a button on his desk, and a hidden door opens, revealing Puffy's evil friends, FAT-ASS, aka Faith Evans, Little Kim, and Evil MA$E!!! Ken finishes both guards and flips in Jay-Z's direction.)

Ken: Thanks for the help. Who are you?

Jay-Z, Eminem, and DMX: We are....THE HIP-HOP SUPERHEROES!!!

Puff: (pulls out a super-huge laser gun) It doesn't matter, super-ZEROES! With this gun, I'll decrease you rapping ability, making you more hated than LL Cool J's last four albums!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

Eminem: Look OUT!!!!!

Jay-Z: Don't worry, I'VE got THIS one! (Jay-Z pulls out his platinum chain. He turns it to the sun, causing everyone to be temporarily blinded except for him-he had on shades.)

Puff: ARRRGGGH! I can't see! (Puffy drops the Laser gun, and rubs his eyes furiously. His sight finally recovers, but Jay-Z is right in front of him!)

Puff: I'm in trouble now, huh?

Jay-Z: Ha-ha...(Jay-Z knocks out Puffy with his patented move, the Tiger-Jiggacide!!!)

Faith Evans: Oh oh! what do we do now, Evil MA$E?

E. MA$E: Bladnh igjuh kiloperty fdulhik.

Little Kim: What?(Little Kim then gets knocked out by Eminem's patented Slim-Shadyuken!)

DMX: Who wants some!!! (Howls out like a wolf. About 100 dogs suddenly appear like ghosts. Snarling, red-eyed pitbulls all growl hungrily at Faith Evans.) My dogs are gonna' have leftovers for days, you're so fat! DOGS, ATTACK!!!

Faith Evans: Eeep. (The dogs attack her, snarling hungrily. DMX watches and laughs as the dogs bite and tear her clothing.)

DMX: YEAH! WHERE MY DOGS AT???

Ken: Man, this is insane!

DMX: No, THIS is HIP-HOP, my dog!

Ken: Word! (Ken watches Eminem shoot a fireball from his hands in the shape of a mushroom at Evil MA$E. MA$E dodges the projectile.)

E.MA$E: Now you done went and weally gotted me mad... BLUNT BOMB! (E.MA$E throws a huge cigar- like dynamite stick. KABOOM!!)

DMX: What-cough- happened?

Jay-Z: They're gone! All of 'em!

Eminem: Um guys, they left us a present.

Ken: A bomb!!! (Ken, Eminem, DMX and Jay-Z rush the window and jump through it just as the bomb blows in a fiery blaze!)

Ken: WE'RE GONNA' BE STREET PIZZA-AHHHHH!!!! ( Eminem pushes a button from on his coat, and a supersonic jet roars in from nowhere to save the foursome from a horrible fate!)

Ken: OOF!

DMX: You okay, son?

Ken: Of course.

Jay-Z: You must've not had known...

Ken: (eyeing Jay-Z) Didn't know what?

Eminem: Puff Daddy's part of the Bad Boy\ Badmen Association!

Ken: Huh?

DMX: Yeah. Puff used to be a good guy, until he let his power go to his head, and wanted to control everything! Music, movies, the whole nine!

Jay-Z: He wanted to be his own monopoly... But we're gonna make sure he goes bankrupt...for good. You in Ken? I heard you rhyme pretty decent. Join the team.

Ken: (shrugging) Why not?

DMX: Now if you join, you'll be with me and the Ruff Ryders, how does that sound?

Ken: Cool!

Jay-Z: Nah. You wanna' be in with Roc-A-Fella', right Ken?

Ken: (confused) Uh, I guess.

Eminem: Ya'llz is both WRONG. He's gonna hang with me and my partner Dr.Dre!

DMX: No way!

Jay-Z: Yes WAY.

Eminem: Ken's gonna' be with my record company! (All three argue all the way to their destination, California)

Puff: I'll have my revenge.... Bad Boy doesn't die, we multiply...ha ha, ha ha ha, ha ha! HA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!! Yeah, yeah yeah...